The Stick of Truth and Other Madness
by Green Sphynx
Summary: Stick of Truth AU, in which Princess Kenny certainly enjoys the comforts of being a princess. And Cartman less so. (Currently Kenman one shot, could become more)


**I felt inspired, but recently I have trouble writing properly. But given a month to type something out, I get at least a chapter. This is a one shot for now, but it could easily become a multi shot with varying pairings if I feel so motivated. They'd all be centered around Princess Kenny though._  
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**Warnings: The Smut, some weird mess with genders going on, violence and a bit of cussing.**

**Beta'd by my dear friend Jodie~**

**Disclaimer: South Park, its characters and the Stick of Truth don't belong to me. **

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><p><em>Chapter 1<em>

He cleared his throat delicately. "Princess Kenny, what a pleasure to meet you here on my stroll through the gardens. How has your delectable highness been, lately?"

Obviously, the Grand Wizard King Eric Cartman knew exactly that his slightly troublesome princess would be in the gardens at this hour. She always liked to take a stroll shortly after breakfast, before sitting down to take tea in the small teahouse in the back. The servants would have already put her tea there, ready for her to pour it when she arrived. Just how she liked it.

Cartman made sure the servants left a large piece of fresh plum pie with cream too this time, for them to enjoy together. He wanted her to be in the best of moods.

"Your majesty," the princess curtseyed for him, smiling generously. "The pleasure is mine. To meet my king on a beautiful day like this, I couldn't have been better."

Such impeccable manners. When she was feeling like it, at least. He'd heard some horrid stories of her behaviour 'behind the screens'.

"Do you mind if I walk with you?" he asked her, bowing slightly at the waist to show her his good intentions.

She giggled in return. "Please do. I'd be delighted."

So far so good. He decided it'd be best to let her enjoy the quiet of the gardens at least until the teahouse. He was sure she'd be easier to talk to if he did. Women could be such difficult creatures, but Cartman liked to think he perfected the skill of manipulating them as well as he did men.

Then again, it was a good thing he made to meet her near the end of the stroll, because he felt like throwing rocks at the noisy birds. Quiet gardens his ass. Didn't they see their king was walking here and trying to enjoy a calm atmosphere?

Right before the teahouse he plastered his smile back on his face. He plucked a flower from a bush - uh, a rose, he guessed - and gave it to the princess with a generous smile. She giggled once again and took his gift with a small curtsey, folding the flower between her hands to hold it against her ample bosom. Ah, the majestic bosom. Not a soul out in the kingdom who _didn't_ want to touch it. Although he had heard rumours that some people actually were given that privilege. Rumours he easily killed off by throwing people in jail, cutting off their tongues or having them burned. Seriously, he needed Princess Kenny to be officially a virgin. He couldn't care less if she slept around, as long as everyone at least thought she was a virgin. Damnable rumours.

"Would you join me for tea, your majesty?" She inquired politely as they stood before the teahouse.

He gave her a wide smile. "I'd love to, if you wouldn't mind?"

"Not at all, not at all." She preceded him on the steps, lifting the front of her skirt prudishly not to trip. She perched on a seat delicately, gesturing for him to sit down opposite of her. Without waiting for him to do so she reached out and poured the tea.

"You'd make a wonderful wife," Cartman complimented, taking the tea from her. She raised an eyebrow at him, seemingly mockingly, but didn't respond to his compliment. She merely sat back, draping herself across the bench with her cup of tea gently resting in her hands.

He blinked at her slightly suggestive pose for a moment, not completely sure whether she was just comfortable with him or flirting. After all, even though she was the princess of the same country he was king off, they weren't related by blood.

"Ahem, talking about wives," he started smoothly, "I couldn't help but notice, you are quite the eligible young lady by now. You are old enough to be wedded, and I'm sure you're awfully lonely here all by yourself. I thought it would be in your best interest to seek out a husband for you, so I took the liberty to check out a few, uhm, suitable options." He cleared his throat, noticing the lift of a perfectly plucked eyebrow was definitely mocking now. "I thought I could perhaps interest you in marrying the _dearest_ king of our neighbouring country, who's been all alone and damn prissy about it for years." He cleared his throat again. "I mean, he's a most generous man, and I feel he's feeling quite lonely. As I'd love to be on good terms with him, I thought offering him your hand would be most gracious and to the point."

"You're talking about the Elven King Kyle," Princess Kenny stated in a very unflattering deadpan voice. "What makes you believe I'm interested in his scrawny ass?"

Cartman halted there for a moment, stunned by her response. She'd always be more than polite in his presence, and had never even dared talking back to him. Always smiling, always curtseying - and now _this_? This was most irregular. And here he thought he had done his kingdom some good by taking her down from that tower.

"Excuse me?" He finally managed to utter.

She leant back a little more, lifting a leg to point her toes towards the far edge of the teahouse - almost as if she were actually trying to seduce him - and she looked at him with a coy smile. "Maybe I don't like King Kyle. Maybe I prefer my own king."

"I have no use to marrying you," he answered roughly, "if you marry the damn High Jew, our countries will be bound to one another, and I'll have easier access to him and his tricks. Not to mention the information you could get me from his palace."

"Now there are the cards on the table." Princess Kenny giggled, sitting up straight again. She leant over, reaching out for his face, and he quickly sat back in his seat. "But I still don't like it. Marrying would highly restrict my movements. And you've been doing such a marvellous job at granting me all the freedom I could want in this castle. I'd be positively _deprived_ if I moved."

"Are you... are you referring to the rumours of you being... indiscrete?"

"I most certainly am."

His face flushed angrily. "Have you been seducing unworthy men in your bed? How can I wed you to anyone of importance if you aren't a virgin? Hell, what if you'd gotten pregnant?"

She let out the most inelegant snort. "That's not something you have to worry about, _your majesty_. I'm not going to get pregnant any time soon. I'd like to point out, that's also the major flaw in your plans to marry me off."

"I-I beg your pardon?"

Princess Kenny suddenly stood, and Cartman shoved himself back in his seat in shock. Before he could even react, the princess had hiked up her skirts to reveal light pink panties. He honestly thought that would be the shocking part, but he nearly fainted when his _princess_ reached in and pulled out a sizable dick.

"I might be a princess, but I'm not really a woman."

He gaped at her incredulously, having absolutely no reply to that. He had never known. How was this possible? How had she managed to keep her gender secret from _him_, the bloody _king_? Why didn't her servants ever tell him? Thinking about it, why didn't his paladin tell him after returning from rescuing her from the tower. No, _him_.

"You look the slightest bit _simple_ with your mouth open like that, your majesty. You'd better close it before I take it as an invitation."

He snapped his mouth closed, seething. He stood up and batted at her hands to make her drop her skirts and cover that - frankly kinda big - monstrosity. "Why didn't you tell me, you wretched woman!"

"Man," the blond corrected, sounding amused. She dropped herself back in her seat, stretching languidly as if there wasn't an angry king looming over her. "I didn't tell you, because I didn't feel like it. I'm quite fond of being a princess. I get so much rest and freedom, and I barely have any responsibilities. Moreover, I'm not sure you would've accepted a prince from your predecessors in your castle. If you had known I was a man, you might've sent me back up to that tower."

"I just might've, and I certainly feel like doing so now," he stated sharply, "who else knows? That treacherous paladin! Does Butters know?"

The princess nodded, picking her - _his_ - fingernails. "He knows. He let me take him up the ass too, he was most forthcoming."

The king nearly choked on his spit, and he had to sit down to process that. That was disgusting! The mere thought of that failure of a boy - oh damned all, his _princess_ fucked his damn dweeb of a paladin in his ass!

"Don't punish him," she gave him a sweet look, almost begging. "It's my fault, not his. I blackmailed him, just a little. He's such a good kid, he'll be very useful to you. Don't break him because I was playing with him."

Cartman bristled. "Don't punish him? _Don't break him_? How dare you! I can very well punish him as much as I like. And I will!"

"What if I take any punishment in his stead?" The blond pouted coyly, pulling up his skirts again slightly.

"I am most certainly not interested!"

"Oh, but you are." The princess got up, bending over the table and the steaming tea. He reached out to put his hand straight on Cartman's crotch, making him tense up in shock. "See? You're reacting. You liked seeing my dick. Or you like the thought of a guy being dressed as a woman walking through your halls all this time. You can humiliate me with this, can't you? Don't you like the idea of fucking me right here in my beloved teahouse as a punishment for deceiving you? I might scream loud enough for the servants to hear me. And everyone will know I can't stand up against my King. Everyone will know you are our superior above everyone else, because even my stubborn ways can't win against you. They all know I've been secretly defying you by letting men in my bedchambers." He licked his lips, leaning in even further while his hand kneaded on his King's crotch. "Punish me, your majesty. Forget about the paladin. Forget about the Elven King. You can have me right here and I'll beg for you so prettily, I promise."

"I'm still going to marry you off to King Kahl, and you better keep your dick in your panties until the wedding night," he growled. He knew his princess had won. If only because of how fast he was getting hard under his touch. He got back to his feet, grabbing the offending hand on his crotch and swiftly turning Princess Kenny's arm. With a surprised yelp he spun around, allowing his arm to be turned on his back. Cartman stepped around the small table, pushing Kenny face first onto the long cushioned bench he'd been sitting on. Keeping him pressed down firmly, he pressed his crotch against the blond's supple ass, letting out a soft sound in appreciation of the feeling.

"Y-your majesty," Kenny begged breathlessly, sounding not quite as submissive as he should yet. Was he mocking him?

"Shut up, you pansy," he hissed, bucking against the blond's ass again. Oh that was nice. For a man he certainly had some soft curves. He supposed he had to, being able to pose as a woman for so long. Which reminded him-

He flipped Kenny over, his long hair mussed over the pillows and his exquisite dress crinkling around him. The paint on his lips and eyes had slightly smeared on the pillows, but he was still able to give Cartman a coy smile. So wanton. He reached down, sticking his hand down her oh so generous décolleté, finally feeling that heavily admired bosom. He blinked in surprise.

"It's real," Kenny had the audacity of smirking. "Your paladin had some nice tricks up his sleeves."

"He what?" Cartman blinked stupidly, squeezing the soft mound as if it was the first one he ever touched.

"He knows healing spells, remember?" Kenny pointed out primly, at the same time arching his back to press closer into his hand. "Don't ask me why, but he knew how to create some fabulous breasts. I've been enjoying them since, and they are quite like the real thing. I dare say they _are_ the real thing."

"Why would you be happy with breasts, you're a man!"

"I'm a man posing as a woman, it's most convenient. Besides, they're terribly sensitive, I couldn't have enjoyed them more."

Cartman bit his lip. It didn't make sense to him, yet at the same time it did. Either way, he wouldn't complain. These were certainly the best breasts he'd ever touched in his life. He sat back, pulling his princess' body upright. He hugged him in order to open the buttons on his back, quickly and efficiently stripping him from his top layer of clothes. He stood up to pull away his skirt, leaving him in his underwear on the bench.

Instead of showing any shame, Kenny just stretched seductively, folding his arms behind his head to press his voluptuous chest up towards Cartman.

"Don't be so wanton, woman!"

"Then can I be a wanton man?" Kenny licked his lips, rocking his hips upwards. To his shock he could see how the panties were straining, and not likely able to contain his princess' _large flaw_ much longer.

"You're a disgrace."

"Then punish me and fuck me silly."

Cartman decided the blond was going too far now. He reached out and grabbed his face, palm covering his mouth and nose. "Show some respect."

Kenny's eyes widened slightly, looking surprised for the first time. But then the eyes lidded, plucked eyebrows slanting in what was sure to be meant as another seductive look. Nevertheless he nodded, pecking the palm of Cartman's hand submissively.

Cartman released the blond's mouth, revelling in how he heaved in air when he got the chance again. His hand slid down his princess' neck, petting his shoulder and collarbone for a short moment before cupping his breasts through his shift. Kenny bit his lip, letting out a small sexual sound in response, making Cartman quickly pull the shift off altogether. Having his princess left in only a small pair of panties - which, unfortunately, was giving in to the pressure by now - he had free access to his breasts. Which were gorgeous. They were perfect. He fondled the bright pink nipples, and they quickly stood under his touch.

Kenny let out a slightly louder moan in response to the ministrations, but didn't comment anymore. He seemed to have finally taken his king's warning to heart. Cartman smirked at that, happy he managed to convey who exactly was in charge here. He bent low, biting sharply in a nipple. Kenny arched with a loud moan, hands flying up to grab Cartman's head.

He'd allow it for now. As long as he wasn't going to be pushy. He sucked on the nipple, licking and biting as he saw fit. He squeezed the other breast roughly, not leaving it out of the fun. Kenny was making all sorts of lewd noises by now, seemingly extremely turned on by having his fake breasts played with. Well, not like Cartman minded that.

Kenny's hands slid down to his shoulders, prying between his clothes to find skin. He moved up a little to ease his access, allowing the other to stroke the skin of his back as far as he could reach. Not that it was very far, and he wasn't planning to undress for his unruly princess. Being naked would make him look weak.

Besides, the teahouse was open on all sides. If a servant came to take care of Kenny's tea they'd be seen. Killing the rumours of the king fucking the princess in the teahouse was one thing, but he wouldn't allow to see himself humiliated - even if he could kill the people who saw afterwards.

He ripped the panties off Kenny's body, scowling at the way his fully hard erection bounced against his stomach. He really could've done without that part. He didn't want Kenny to think he was into men. Especially not if he was going to send the princess to that disgusting High Jew. But he didn't want the blond to give out poor reviews of his qualities in bed either, so he gripped the offending appendage firmly in a fist.

Kenny positively keened, hips pushing up to press deeper into Cartman's hand. He chuckled as he watched the blond's face contort in desperation and pleasure, knowing he had his princess fully under control now.

"I'm going to fuck that tight ass."

Kenny gave him a wide eyed look, the smile on his face changing from innocent happiness to lecherous and back to a more submissive happy smile.

"You sure look like you'd like that," Cartman barked out a laugh, squeezing the shaft in his hand. "You're a whore. The princess of my country is a whore in drag who looks all happy when his king says he's going to fuck him. Do you always make that face when people say that? Did that bastard of a paladin look like that when you fucked him?"

Kenny licked his lips and shook his head in response. "I want my king's cock the most."

Cartman snorted. "I bet that's what you say to everyone." He released the blond's length in favour of gripping a leg, forcing it up to reveal that sweet place he'd be pushing into so very soon. He didn't have anything to prepare the guy with - not that he knew anything about all that, he _never_ fucked a man before - so saliva would have to do. He spit in his hand, smearing it down the cleft of his princess' ass before pushing a finger deep inside. Kenny moaned and shivered, hips tilting to ease his access.

"Such a whore," he muttered again, pumping his finger in and out. As if eager to agree with him the blond kept moaning, letting out little sounds of excitement on every fast breath. Cartman leaned in to spit straight on the hole before slipping in a second finger, pumping and stretching.

Kenny was squirming slightly, breathing hard and fast, whimpering and moaning. He sure enjoyed this a lot. _Too much_.

"Will you be like this for King Kahl?"

Kenny's eyes flashed open, a sudden intelligent calculating look on the face that was contorted in pleasure just a second ago. _It was an act after all?_ But then he arched, pressing his ass back deeper onto Cartman's finger.

"I'm only th-this eager for y-you," he panted out, smiling innocently.

_It was all a fucking act_.

That did it. No more being gentle. If his princess thought it was okay to mock him during what was supposed to be a punishment, he'd just make sure it'd hurt a little more. He needed the blond to _submit_.

He pulled his fingers out, wiped them on the cushions of the bench and picked up Kenny's other leg. He bent the princess in two, legs straight up, allowing the other to rest his calves on his shoulders. He quickly undid his pants, loosening the strings until he was able to pull out his hard length. Oh god he was hard. He was so aroused it almost hurt. _It was just because of the boobs though, and because it was Princess Kenny. Not because he was about to fuck a guy up the ass._

He placed the tip at the blond's hole, pushing in with one sharp thrust. Kenny arched his back and cried out, fingers scrabbling for something to hold onto on the cushioned bench. With the princess gripping on the edges of their bench like his life depended on it, Cartman saw it fit to repeat his motion.

Kenny cried out again, breathing hard and fast. This must be painful. In fact, Cartman had to admit it felt a little too dry on him himself. It burned, and he wasn't willing to have a doctor look at his manhood because he had burn wounds on it.

He glanced around and spotted cream that was meant to be served on the pie he had ordered to be brought. The cream was still as untouched as the pie, and perfect for his purpose. He leaned over to grab the bowl - eliciting another sharp sound out of his princess - and brought it back to put it on Kenny's stomach. He scooped up some of the cream and pulled out, smearing it over his shaft and pushing back again.

He quickly had to grip the bowl to keep it from falling when Kenny shuddered and squirmed, groaning in pain still. He added another dab of cream before putting the bowl away, wiping his fingers on Kenny's arm and grabbing his hips.

"Scream for me," he ordered, lifting Kenny's hips slightly and slamming in.

Kenny screamed bloody murder, that was for sure. He pounded into that tight ass relentlessly, until Kenny's cries of pain started to turn into moans of pleasure. Where the blond had gone limp in pain before, he quickly hardened again in response to his ass being taken roughly by his king.

There were tears running down his face, smudging his make up even more. Cartman could only smirk, breathing heavily as he slammed inside sharply, each thrust meant to bring himself the most pleasure. Kenny was quickly squirming again, this time in moans and whimpers and with his hands reaching out for his king. His face contorted in pleasure, salty water running down his cheeks and pink lips opening up for fast shallow breaths.

_Fuck, his princess was beautiful._

He gripped the blond's length, roughly stroking it in time with his thrusts. Kenny cried and moaned, arching and curling up repeatedly, legs curling over Cartman's back and stretching out again.

"E-Eric-"

With a fast movement he backhanded the blond in the face. Kenny cried out in surprise, pulling back slightly. "That's not how you address me, you whore! Try again!"

"Y-your Maj-jest-tyy..."

He growled, grinning. "That's it, my little whore. Moan for me more. Let me know who your king is."

"Ah- my king," Kenny gasped and whimpered, fingers gripping the fabric of Cartman's clothes so tight his knuckles turned white. "M-my king, p-please fuck m-me ha-harder! Your- Ma-majesty!"

Oh, that sounded so nice. His voice breaking on every of his sharp thrusts, he felt like pounding even harder just to mess with Kenny's voice. And he begged so sweetly now. It may just be an act, but it sure worked. He was a beautiful princess, dick or not.

He sped up, plunging in with an even faster rhythm, grabbing Kenny's hardness once more. He stroked as fast as he was pounding, his breathing fast and irregular now. Kenny was simply moaning wantonly now, crying out for him every now and then, desperate to finish. _And finish he could_.

With a last sharp thrust Cartman let out a guttural moan, spilling himself inside of his princess' ass. Kenny's legs stretched out on his shoulders, his whole body trying to come up against Cartman's weight as he cried out in ecstasy. Cartman had just enough presence of mind to dig his thumb into the tip of the other's erection, driving him over the edge with himself.

Kenny's ass successfully milked him dry, tightening around him as he came down from his high. He listened to the cries in ecstasy, pretty sure anyone in the garden must've heard his noisy princess by now.

It was going to be a pain to quell the rumours.

But it was so worth it.

He pulled out, wiping his dick on Kenny's leg carelessly. He tucked himself back in his pants, tightening the strings. "I'll arrange things with King Kahl. I'll make sure he doesn't meet you until the wedding, so you better behave too."

Kenny nodded slowly, completely slack on the bench, worn out so easily.

"You should start on having a wedding dress designed for you," he advised, putting hid friendly smile back on his face. "Have a nice day, your highness. We should have one of these lovely conversations again soon."

With that he turned and descended the steps of the teahouse, walking back to the castle with long strides. Time to locate all their eavesdroppers.


End file.
